I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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