ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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