Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
