I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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