dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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