You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
