Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
