Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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