ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
