too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize