Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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