Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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