you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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