whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
