You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
