I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
