How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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