yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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