final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the day after is always just damage control
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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