a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
