life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
