I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
