There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
