If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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