I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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