You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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