Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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