I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
