how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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