I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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