Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
