Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
