Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
