Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
