I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize