Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
