I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
