He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
