in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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