I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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