her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
