Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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