Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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