i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
