if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize