Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
sex in a hospital.. check
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize