I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
