The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You can't motorboat a personality
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
