I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
