FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
