i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
even my farts smell like vagina
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
