well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
