just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
