In the future we'll all be gay
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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