I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
