i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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