im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
