I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
