I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
