Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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