He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
