Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize