She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
