Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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