literally had 100 drinks last night.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
