saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
