I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
pray to the hookup gods
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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