Just fell off a train. Bad.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
