My nipple is on Facebook.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
