i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
