anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
