where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
