Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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