I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
