this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
