everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
