he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
