Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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