My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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