so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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