Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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