so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
my liver is dry heaving
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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